Posts Tagged ‘#reading’


There will come a day when you will realise what you actually want. Your search will end, it will reach its culmination and that would be the day you probably would stop reading and writing. Whatever you write thereafter will be a complete thought. Your words will want for nothing. You will have achieved what your soul is so desperately looking for in the written word,” so saying, he smiled enigmatically.


But, I don’t think I am looking for anything in particular. I read because I love to and I write only when I have things to say. Yes, sometimes, I have incomplete thoughts that might need processing. Sometimes, I write things that are raw. I write of emotions, of people, of love, of loss. I write of things that are human. I read things that I find fun or that stir me. I have never thought of reading as a channel to get somewhere, it has never been purpose oriented, merely a means of getting to know stuff,” I riposted.

Ah! But you are young still, you will get there, eventually,” he reiterated.

What is it about thinking individuals that ruffles our set opinions so? It isn’t as if I change my thought process on every word of a book or a firmly stated opinion but both mediums compel me to re-analyse my approach. Sometimes I defer to the books or educated opinions thrown at me, at others I stick with whatever wisdom I have acquired over the years.

I maintain that I don’t read with a purpose in mind. I am neither spiritual nor religious enough to seek answers in mythological text, I am not condemning them or denying their significance, it’s just that they don’t work for me as well as a fictional work with deep rooted meaning does. I would rather read a Shantaram or To kill a mockingbird or Rumi, even for that matter a Brida, to get perspective on life, than to look for solutions in the Bhagwad Gita. I have read that too but probably I did not get it much.

I started writing as a catharsis for my broken spirit. I never felt that my pieces had or have any literary merit. I write because, there comes a time in each of our lives when we have things to say that we can’t express freely, even to the closest of our friends or family. Some keep it all bottled up or lock it all up in the deepest recesses of their minds, some choose art, music, cooking, travelling, gardening, keeping pets, chatting or even socialising to keep that inner voice down. To each his or her own.

I Choose to Write. I can’t, at times, express what I am going through even with my writings, for fear of being judged. I still haven’t learnt how to fictionalize my accounts so that I am finally able to pour my heart out without anyone finding out the trials I am going through. I, forever, dread the query, who is it you have written about in this piece?

Still, I choose to write to attain temporary relief, a sense of calm from my ever accumulating thoughts. I may stop writing if by some miracle I can stop thinking of mundane, everyday things. I am an ordinary being, a human with trappings like love, desires, wishes, hopes, friendships & relationships. I don’t see myself graduating to the bigger questions of life and existence any time soon.

May be, I am missing an essential ingredient. It is probable that I am lost. I may not conform to many things that this world lays down but I am ME. I will own up to my mistakes, I am the one who would take lessons from them. I might repeat some of them but I am content. My energy is my own. I regret nothing. Even bad decisions and failures were necessary. They probably were the most important things in my life when they happened.

I am here to lead a simple, uncomplicated, knowledge – centric life and I feel that I am on my way pretty much the way I wanted to be. I love to wear my heart on my sleeve and won’t apologise for being the way I am.

I have been an atheist since I understood the concept of God and religion. The idea of bowing and scraping in front of man- made idols always looked ridiculous to me. As a kid, I was made to tag along, when my mother visited religious shrines or temples. Even at that age, I had a weird feeling that people are watching me pray, that they could see right through me and the veneer I put up when I stood in supplication in front of the very idols that made me uncomfortable.

Gradually, when I became old enough to air my opinion, I turned openly agnostic, agreeing to some super power but still not ready to find it in idols and temples. As I grew in confidence, I even started entrusting my friends with the knowledge that their God had never been kind to me. Going as far to say that if He had made us all, He has to tend to all of us irrespective of whether one kneels in prayer or not, that blessed should also be the ones who do not kneel.

Recently, I came across a book on the history of philosophy and religion. An entertaining read at the onset, it soon asked me questions I had never thought about before. Being an avid reader, I have come across books that I stand behind and others that I disagree with. But never in my reading existence, did a book make me feel INSUFFICIENT, like I was missing out on some important piece of the puzzle that would finally complete the giant zigsaw, that life is. It was sheer helplessness to find that I had no faith or any power whatsoever, to put my faith in. It was not just the absence of God but also a total disregard for the bounties I had, things like life, people, comfort, dignity, things that I had always taken for granted, had never thanked anyone for.

I was perturbed. It was like I was in a huge dining room, bustling with activity, every seat taken, people eating, talking, laughing, sharing experiences and suddenly, everybody leaves. The hollowness and ineptitude that I felt, sitting suddenly all alone in that dining hall, was inexplicable. I could still feel the warmth of companionship, hear the tinkle of cutlery, a shadow of laughter here, a shared confidence there.. All gone in a jiffy!

What then, fills that vacuum? What comes inside and never leaves? Cause make no mistake- everything and everyone leaves, sooner or later. Wealth, beloved people, love, friendship and even life. What can, then, help us keep ourselves together? The more I think, the more I believe, it has to be faith.

I spoke to some people I could speak to, about such stuff and a pragmatic atheist friend said-” There is no God. Why do you worry about faith and in whom to put it? You got to have faith in yourself and if you have to put it somewhere put it in your abilities. ” Sane advice, granted!! But it didn’t stop me thinking and brooding all day long. I have faith in myself, I truly do but that doesn’t keep me going when people leave and I am all alone. Gradually, yes, one learns to pick oneself up, dust away the blues and get going again. But even that needs motivation because life does have a way of pulling us down to the rut again and again.

Now, I don’t know whether God exists or not, neither can I vouch for any of His miracles but lately something has been tugging at my mind- not religion or spirituality, nothing as lofty as the latter or as superficial as the former. But something deeper, more profound, something I have no words for. A deeper knowledge, may be. A lone thread of self-realization that might lead to consecration and eventual enlightenment and salvation of soul.

A week ago, this would have been impossible to write cause I have always felt that deeper insight into one’s psyche is a whole sack of mumbo- jumbo. But I am desperate to have atleast something STAY. Desperation may not be the best motivation to lean towards God but it surely works.

I hope once I find Him, He stays!!!