Posts Tagged ‘#God’

An unmarried friend of mine used to extol the virtues of spinsterhood all the time, saying that she would never miss something she hadn’t experienced when told that she would miss the company of a partner in her old age. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I remember telling my father about yet another unmarried friend and her frustration with life saying that, she is frustrated because she wants to get married and hasn’t been able to. It is not the same situation as mine.

I was happily single even when there was this guy who loved me with all his heart. I could never feel the passion within. For three long years, we tried to come to even ground. May Lord bless him, he never gave up. But I was done living a lie. There was a time when I had made up my mind to stop looking for what I desired and make do with what I was given. But the only sensible thing I did was not to deceive myself and him. I know, I broke his heart terribly but it would be better for him in the long run.

I believe that.

Soon after, I met someone I had been looking for all my life. For me, it was as if lightning struck right from the first moment I laid eyes on him. Why God decided to give me my heart’s desire at 39 in a very complicated package? I don’t know.

I sit and think sometimes what is it that makes me forgive everything he does, or condone even those of his actions that hurt me. I have always been a thinking individual who has had this quality of self – love deeply ingrained in her, then why this sudden shift where I think of someone else before me?
What makes me do that, which is new to my basic nature and tendencies? It isn’t as if this is permanent, infact the premise of our relationship is its temporary nature and yet this need in me to make life easy for him, to be a woman in the relationship.

I came across a line in a movie recently (the movie was poorly made and leaves no other imprint on the watcher). It said, “We like people because and love them despite”

Meaning (as I understood it) – We like people because of their qualities, because of the care they give us, the things they do for us, because we think alike, because we have been thrown together by fate or because we have the same concerns and circumstances in life.

But we love people despite their shortcomings, despite the fact that we are so unlike each other, despite our different upbringing & backgrounds, despite our separate outlooks on life, irrespective of our language, culture and the choices in people and things, sometimes even despite the fact that we have to tread separate paths in life and that we cannot be together per se. We love them for who they are and for what they bring to our life.

No human being should look for fulfillment in another. I believe if one is not complete on his or her own, they cannot give anything to any kind of relationship. Hence, we have our passions, our hobbies, our friends, our work and our ‘me time’. All these things make us happy and content which makes us radiant. And a radiant person attracts others. A person who is, thus self – sufficient, is not clingy because they don’t look for completion in any one relationship or job. They are who they are because of the life they have lived or the experiences they have had.

But human relationships do bring an iota of happiness, solace & contentment for us. We feel calmer in the presence of certain people, with some we feel confident, there are a few who provide us with a sense of safety, there are one or two who bring out the real us, we can be our weird selves around some, yet others can make us explore the sides of us which we never knew existed within us.

What if, we find all of this or most of it in one person?

That, sure, screws us up because that’s exactly what everyone is looking for in the world. The ultimate human quest. It is not money or the name we make or our social standing, it is the meaningful relationships that keep us going.

Now, the tragedy of someone like me, who has a wide perspective on life and a hugely open mind, is that we don’t want such relationships labelled by the conventional standards of our society. I am not saying that acceptability by the society is too cliché. I am not a rebel for rebels sake. In fact, I have been a dutiful daughter all my life, someone who has put my own happiness at bay just to keep my family name up, to live up to the recognition my father has in the society. It took an immense amount of courage for me to write about it all but it has been eating me up inside, for days. I am not someone who would go against the norms just to prove that I am different or I am above it all.

Obviously, it would be a pleasure, surpassing everything, to be accepted for whoever I am or whoever I love. But my point is, labelling a near perfect thing like the one described above, specially in complicated situations, puts unnecessary pressure on the individuals and all the magic is lost.

So, the answer to my own question, as to why God deemed it fit to introduce me to a person of that kind so late in my life, is that he wanted me to experience the life he had given me to the fullest. He wanted me to absorb this hugely giving feeling of love and compassion. He wanted life to come full circle for me before it all ended. He did not want to leave me and my soul in a dismal state before we met HIM finally.

I put my atheism in a sack, tie huge boulders to it and throw it away in the deepest of oceans finally and bow down to his presence and might.

This quarantine has made me realise the important things in life and the importance of accepting the significant parts of life. I might miss his constant presence when our time together is up. I might also miss his physical attributes – his smile, laughter, anger, irritation on my constant repetitions, his smell, touch and the like. I may be desolate and lonely at times too. I am just a human. But, even so, I would be content for having lived this limited time with him. I would want for nothing else.


Posted: November 30, 2019 in Life as I see it...
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For as long as I can remember, I have been an atheist. I have no particular grouse with God. Life has been largely good and comfortable for me. It is just that the whole concept of religion as propounded by man confounds me. Not one to argue, I chose to just not believe in HIM yet steering clear of the confrontation. That makes me more of an agnostic I guess.

I have encountered people with unwavering faith in God, people who would continue to believe even when odds are stacked against them, people who would smile through the pain and say if it is God’s will there must be something good in it. I have marvelled at such people and the resilience of their characters.

Like the young Buddha when he was still Siddharth, I was cocooned by my parents too and thus didn’t know much about suffering. My compassion for others was acquired through a lot of reading and was basic, to say the least. There comes a time in every human’s life when life starts throwing curve balls and we have to use all the skills at our disposal to deal with them. Siddhartha understood hunger, old age, misery and death when he saw them first hand but then he was an enlightened and evolved soul, so was quicker to realisation than me.

I prided myself in staying strong and dry- eyed even in the face of death. I have seen a lot of people go and have maintained a resolute stance through it all. It did move me but not to the core. Cold- hearted was an adjective that my family and friends gave me.

But lately, I have developed a deeper sensitivity of suffering, pain and disease when I encountered them close at home. Watching my father battle through different stages of the chronic kidney disease has given me a new perspective on life. I have come to appreciate the little things, the brief respites, the genuine smiles, the idea of letting go, forgiveness and most of all LOVE,COMPASSION,KINDNESS and CARE– in essence God.

A few days back I came across a picture on one of the social media sites that asked a pertinent question as to what the purpose of one’s life was and that most people took living to be just breathing, eating, earning and spending until they die. To that I say, each day life and the people around us teach us something new. Our lives are God’s way to evolve our souls by grinding into them the virtues of love, tenderness, compassion, patience and stoicism.

These days, more often than not, I find myself tearing up at the suffering that other patients go through on our visits to the dialysis centre. I am filled with gratitude towards God that we have had a whole and healthy life and that dad has taken ill only at this age in his life. I see children of 6,7,10,18 years of age going through dialysis with nothing but a bleak future ahead. Organ transplant isn’t an option for them with the high costs involved.

I have learnt everyday from the smiling health care professionals who are there to see us through any complication or phase that raises its ugly head. I have seen them bear the brunt of anger, frustration and helplessness of their patients and still go about their work with nary a crease on the brow. There have been times when I have broken down under stress, uncertainty and the burden of decision- making and yet one word or conversation with the dialysis staff has been enough to calm my mind and allay my fears. I bow down to their spirit and the hope that they represent.

I still don’t go to a temple but nowadays, I pray. And I thank HIM everyday for the blessings that I have been taking for granted all my life. I thank HIM for the people he has sent to enrich my life and to help me get through it. I don’t ask for anything, not out of pride, just because I don’t see HIM as the fulfiller of wishes but as a wise guide who is teaching me every step of the way. If I walk the path laid down for me to the best of my abilities, may be, there would be contentment at the end.

At War… 

Posted: May 4, 2017 in Life as I see it...
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For all those familiar with Margaret Mitchell’s Gone with the Wind, the scenario I am about to mention won’t be new. 
It was in this classic that we came across the grit and solidarity of the Southern women, ladies or otherwise. In a much loved scene, that happens many times over, the ladies of the household & neighborhood would sit together in any one of their homes and talk about mundane stuff, sewing or knitting, all the while actually waiting, eagerly, for any news from the front. They would sit and chat and backbite and criticise yet their minds would be preoccupied with the well-being of their men out to fight the Civil War. 

I experienced something like that today when we, my mom & I, visited my uncle’s place. The ladies of the family were all present, putting up a brave front, chatting about routine, everyday things, reinstating their faith in the almighty, serving tea and snacks to visitors; all the while waiting, keenly, for news or update from the hospital, where my uncle is battling the inevitable. 

It’s a war against Death; a war against anything that threatens one’s belief in God; a war for faith; a war for love, for family, for children. For the first time in my life, I hope that faith wins, that God persists, that life sustains..

May he win his battle against an inescapable destiny.. May life triumph.. 

For as long as he is breathing, there is HOPE.. 

Hoping for a Miracle!! 

Need all your prayers.. 

I have been an atheist since I understood the concept of God and religion. The idea of bowing and scraping in front of man- made idols always looked ridiculous to me. As a kid, I was made to tag along, when my mother visited religious shrines or temples. Even at that age, I had a weird feeling that people are watching me pray, that they could see right through me and the veneer I put up when I stood in supplication in front of the very idols that made me uncomfortable.

Gradually, when I became old enough to air my opinion, I turned openly agnostic, agreeing to some super power but still not ready to find it in idols and temples. As I grew in confidence, I even started entrusting my friends with the knowledge that their God had never been kind to me. Going as far to say that if He had made us all, He has to tend to all of us irrespective of whether one kneels in prayer or not, that blessed should also be the ones who do not kneel.

Recently, I came across a book on the history of philosophy and religion. An entertaining read at the onset, it soon asked me questions I had never thought about before. Being an avid reader, I have come across books that I stand behind and others that I disagree with. But never in my reading existence, did a book make me feel INSUFFICIENT, like I was missing out on some important piece of the puzzle that would finally complete the giant zigsaw, that life is. It was sheer helplessness to find that I had no faith or any power whatsoever, to put my faith in. It was not just the absence of God but also a total disregard for the bounties I had, things like life, people, comfort, dignity, things that I had always taken for granted, had never thanked anyone for.

I was perturbed. It was like I was in a huge dining room, bustling with activity, every seat taken, people eating, talking, laughing, sharing experiences and suddenly, everybody leaves. The hollowness and ineptitude that I felt, sitting suddenly all alone in that dining hall, was inexplicable. I could still feel the warmth of companionship, hear the tinkle of cutlery, a shadow of laughter here, a shared confidence there.. All gone in a jiffy!

What then, fills that vacuum? What comes inside and never leaves? Cause make no mistake- everything and everyone leaves, sooner or later. Wealth, beloved people, love, friendship and even life. What can, then, help us keep ourselves together? The more I think, the more I believe, it has to be faith.

I spoke to some people I could speak to, about such stuff and a pragmatic atheist friend said-” There is no God. Why do you worry about faith and in whom to put it? You got to have faith in yourself and if you have to put it somewhere put it in your abilities. ” Sane advice, granted!! But it didn’t stop me thinking and brooding all day long. I have faith in myself, I truly do but that doesn’t keep me going when people leave and I am all alone. Gradually, yes, one learns to pick oneself up, dust away the blues and get going again. But even that needs motivation because life does have a way of pulling us down to the rut again and again.

Now, I don’t know whether God exists or not, neither can I vouch for any of His miracles but lately something has been tugging at my mind- not religion or spirituality, nothing as lofty as the latter or as superficial as the former. But something deeper, more profound, something I have no words for. A deeper knowledge, may be. A lone thread of self-realization that might lead to consecration and eventual enlightenment and salvation of soul.

A week ago, this would have been impossible to write cause I have always felt that deeper insight into one’s psyche is a whole sack of mumbo- jumbo. But I am desperate to have atleast something STAY. Desperation may not be the best motivation to lean towards God but it surely works.

I hope once I find Him, He stays!!!